"Life is a train of
moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to
be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each
shows us only what lies in its own focus."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was going through my old myspace blog and found this, almost to this very date four years ago:
June 7, 2007
SO, my vacation went really well. The road trip down was interesting. I had just cut off all my hair leaving me in a mild state of shock, I broke out because I was in a car for four days, all that combined with my lack of luck and timing when it comes my monthly cycle and I would say that the ride to Idaho may have been a more enjoyable ride for me than my mom. I learned to accept the hair, I cant do much about a breakout, and modern medicine has made it possible for me to regulate my body with birth control pills, so everything worked out. I read alot, listened to alot of music, caught up on my sleep, and spent some quality time with mi madre.
Seeing my friends again was wonderful. Jennifer suprised me by making it to couer d alene for Sonja's birthday, so I was really happy about that. It was so great to see my friends, and nothing was awkard other than the fact that there were few people left in town that we knew. Sonja's birthday was a blast. I wish I would have gotten to spend more time with Jennifer and Kim but was thankful that I got to see them at all.
My trip to Seattle to see Tory was also great, other than the two hour bumper to bumper traffic it took me to get there, leave it to me to drive to Seattle on Memorial Day when everyone is coming home from their long weekend. I had a great time, I always do. It was one of the highlights of my vacation although it may not have seemed that way. Im a bitch.
I have an awkward way of trying to keep myself distant, all while being far to attached.
CDA was beautfiful. It was fun to hang out with the original AK crew that went down to school there. I forgot how much fun they all were, and I look forward to spending more time with them now that we are all back.
Nate and Ashley are perfect for each other. The wedding was amazing, the reception was a blast. We all drank too much, danced to much, ate to much, etc. But it was amazing and defintely the funnest reception Ive ever been to.
I ended up leaving early, it was a combination of things. I was sad I never got to spend any time with Kristin and Sheena. It was really sad to see everyone go, or to leave people, especially when I dont know the next time Ill see them (except Sonja and Luke in August). I forgot what it was like to have so many friends, especially so many friends that know so much about me. Its amazing that we all really dont keep that close of touch, but once we are put in a room together everything just clicks.
Im happy and sad to be back in Alaska. I like my routine, but still dont feel the same, especially now that I have alot of time to sit and think about everything..... being reminded of what its like to live with your closest friends, realizing that no matter how bad you want something to be a certain way...its out of your control, and realizing just how much time I spend alone here.
The past couple days have just been a perpetual cycle of internal conflict for me. I want to be around friends, but I want to be alone. I want a boyfriend because I miss aspects of a relationship, but I dont want a boyfriend because I refuse to date and well havent met anyone Ive desired to date anyways. All I want to do is work, but I want to have a really fun summer. I've always publicly detested cottage cheese, and have realized I like it. The person I miss the most is also the one person I would punch in the face if given a justifiable opportunity. I am glad I am home, but wish I was still gone. I cant get enough of Bow Wow's "Outta My System", but hate Bow Wow purely because of his name. I no longer know if I want to be a teacher right when I graduate, but it has always been my plan. I want to get drunk, but am currently to poor to spend money on booze. I have been really tired, but cant seem to sleep.
Things I am sure of: "Last Night" was the worst song ever created by Pdiddy, seriously he can not sing and I cannot fathom what he was thinking when he decided to release it to the public. Alaska is beautiful. I love bubble baths. I have plenty of friends in Alaska (I just need more girlfriends). Running doesnt stop me from overthinking, but atleast Im being productive while I think. My messy room makes me feel comfortable.I get defensive when I get rejected, even when Im not being rejected. Reading saves what little sense of sanity I have left. I need to get a second job. I really do like cottage cheese. I miss my friends.
Anways, all may not be well right now but Im sure Ill be back to normal in a few days. Im just stressed out about money, miss my friends, and like to clutter my mind with impractical and illogical thoughts. Normal issues, especially for me, no big deal Im just over dramatic. Time to open a book and try to fall asleep.
~
Some things never change: awkwardness, indecisiveness, racing thoughts, loving bubble baths, my love of literature, and my detest for Pdiddy.
"When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip"
— John Kennedy Toole (A Confederacy of Dunces)
It got me thinking though:
There is something to be said about those people in your life that have really watched you grow up. First hand. They don’t see the end result and hear flash backs of what it was like when you were 17 and your world was falling all around you. They don’t get to hear your edited and altered accounts of how your history played out… because they were right there with you. You don’t get to lie about the embarrassing things you thought or did. They were there holding your hand (and your hair) when you discovered what everyone meant by “drunk”. They saw you make poor life decisions…over and over… and over again. You get to bounce new ideas and realizations off of them. You get to be excited or sad or angry. Sometimes the two of you don’t get along. Life pushes you apart and there is a lapse. But the lapse is never permanent. There will always be some nagging thing that brings you back together. You discover real honesty with this person because to come together again after life pushes you apart takes communication honesty and humility. You learn that friendship means more than the norm of surface level interactions to get your needs met. You learn what it’s like to talk to someone even when you don’t like them. To sit put when you want to run away.
And after you tell them something as menial as toast in an oven they respond and they tell you, even after all the talks and the years that have passed how much you mean to them, and what a great experience it is for them to be a part of your life. And that moment sticks with you the next day when everything else in your life seems to be going crazy and you feel like everyone is down on you, and it makes you smile.
Im cooking tonight. That never happens. Im not sure what it is, but I am definitely mixing stuff together.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.
She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
— Neil Gaiman
I want to take random photographs, and then hang them on a close line.
I want to write my Mom’s memoir. But, could I handle it?
I want to learn to juggle, both physically and mentally.
I want to steal macaroons from an endless buffet…again. And then I want to hide them in my purse and eat them on a late night walk.
I want to live life without hurting people, including myself.
I want to believe in happily ever after with tree houses, diapers, and fire places.
I want to eat takeout and watch “Anne of Green Gables”.
If you have a rigid definition of love, I won’t fulfill it. I dont have a history of getting it right
Most likely, I will not come through for you as often as you would like. I am often combative, especially when I notice that intimacy is beginning to happen. I may not always listen or even try to understand. I may not always be there for you when you need me.
You can only love me as I am, not as you need me to be. I’ll disappoint you again and again as long as you expect me to meet your criteria. You can only love me unconditionally and with no guarantees that it will pay off to do so. You will need arms that can hold an inner child without losing respect for the outer adult. You will need a heart that can bear pain and loss without losing trust in the love that is trying to find you.
"I wish the whole day were like breakfast, when people are still connected to their dreams, focused inward, and not yet ready to engage with the world around them. I realized this is how I am all day; for me, unlike other people, there doesn't come a moment after a cup of coffee or a shower or whatever when I suddenly feel alive and awake and connected to the world. If it were always breakfast, I would be fine."
-Peter Cameron
I don’t usually eat breakfast, but sure do enjoy a cup of joe.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was going through my old myspace blog and found this, almost to this very date four years ago:
June 7, 2007
SO, my vacation went really well. The road trip down was interesting. I had just cut off all my hair leaving me in a mild state of shock, I broke out because I was in a car for four days, all that combined with my lack of luck and timing when it comes my monthly cycle and I would say that the ride to Idaho may have been a more enjoyable ride for me than my mom. I learned to accept the hair, I cant do much about a breakout, and modern medicine has made it possible for me to regulate my body with birth control pills, so everything worked out. I read alot, listened to alot of music, caught up on my sleep, and spent some quality time with mi madre.
Seeing my friends again was wonderful. Jennifer suprised me by making it to couer d alene for Sonja's birthday, so I was really happy about that. It was so great to see my friends, and nothing was awkard other than the fact that there were few people left in town that we knew. Sonja's birthday was a blast. I wish I would have gotten to spend more time with Jennifer and Kim but was thankful that I got to see them at all.
My trip to Seattle to see Tory was also great, other than the two hour bumper to bumper traffic it took me to get there, leave it to me to drive to Seattle on Memorial Day when everyone is coming home from their long weekend. I had a great time, I always do. It was one of the highlights of my vacation although it may not have seemed that way. Im a bitch.
I have an awkward way of trying to keep myself distant, all while being far to attached.
CDA was beautfiful. It was fun to hang out with the original AK crew that went down to school there. I forgot how much fun they all were, and I look forward to spending more time with them now that we are all back.
Nate and Ashley are perfect for each other. The wedding was amazing, the reception was a blast. We all drank too much, danced to much, ate to much, etc. But it was amazing and defintely the funnest reception Ive ever been to.
I ended up leaving early, it was a combination of things. I was sad I never got to spend any time with Kristin and Sheena. It was really sad to see everyone go, or to leave people, especially when I dont know the next time Ill see them (except Sonja and Luke in August). I forgot what it was like to have so many friends, especially so many friends that know so much about me. Its amazing that we all really dont keep that close of touch, but once we are put in a room together everything just clicks.
Im happy and sad to be back in Alaska. I like my routine, but still dont feel the same, especially now that I have alot of time to sit and think about everything..... being reminded of what its like to live with your closest friends, realizing that no matter how bad you want something to be a certain way...its out of your control, and realizing just how much time I spend alone here.
The past couple days have just been a perpetual cycle of internal conflict for me. I want to be around friends, but I want to be alone. I want a boyfriend because I miss aspects of a relationship, but I dont want a boyfriend because I refuse to date and well havent met anyone Ive desired to date anyways. All I want to do is work, but I want to have a really fun summer. I've always publicly detested cottage cheese, and have realized I like it. The person I miss the most is also the one person I would punch in the face if given a justifiable opportunity. I am glad I am home, but wish I was still gone. I cant get enough of Bow Wow's "Outta My System", but hate Bow Wow purely because of his name. I no longer know if I want to be a teacher right when I graduate, but it has always been my plan. I want to get drunk, but am currently to poor to spend money on booze. I have been really tired, but cant seem to sleep.
Things I am sure of: "Last Night" was the worst song ever created by Pdiddy, seriously he can not sing and I cannot fathom what he was thinking when he decided to release it to the public. Alaska is beautiful. I love bubble baths. I have plenty of friends in Alaska (I just need more girlfriends). Running doesnt stop me from overthinking, but atleast Im being productive while I think. My messy room makes me feel comfortable.I get defensive when I get rejected, even when Im not being rejected. Reading saves what little sense of sanity I have left. I need to get a second job. I really do like cottage cheese. I miss my friends.
Anways, all may not be well right now but Im sure Ill be back to normal in a few days. Im just stressed out about money, miss my friends, and like to clutter my mind with impractical and illogical thoughts. Normal issues, especially for me, no big deal Im just over dramatic. Time to open a book and try to fall asleep.
~
Some things never change: awkwardness, indecisiveness, racing thoughts, loving bubble baths, my love of literature, and my detest for Pdiddy.
"When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip"
— John Kennedy Toole (A Confederacy of Dunces)
It got me thinking though:
There is something to be said about those people in your life that have really watched you grow up. First hand. They don’t see the end result and hear flash backs of what it was like when you were 17 and your world was falling all around you. They don’t get to hear your edited and altered accounts of how your history played out… because they were right there with you. You don’t get to lie about the embarrassing things you thought or did. They were there holding your hand (and your hair) when you discovered what everyone meant by “drunk”. They saw you make poor life decisions…over and over… and over again. You get to bounce new ideas and realizations off of them. You get to be excited or sad or angry. Sometimes the two of you don’t get along. Life pushes you apart and there is a lapse. But the lapse is never permanent. There will always be some nagging thing that brings you back together. You discover real honesty with this person because to come together again after life pushes you apart takes communication honesty and humility. You learn that friendship means more than the norm of surface level interactions to get your needs met. You learn what it’s like to talk to someone even when you don’t like them. To sit put when you want to run away.
And after you tell them something as menial as toast in an oven they respond and they tell you, even after all the talks and the years that have passed how much you mean to them, and what a great experience it is for them to be a part of your life. And that moment sticks with you the next day when everything else in your life seems to be going crazy and you feel like everyone is down on you, and it makes you smile.
Im cooking tonight. That never happens. Im not sure what it is, but I am definitely mixing stuff together.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.
She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
— Neil Gaiman
I want to take random photographs, and then hang them on a close line.
I want to write my Mom’s memoir. But, could I handle it?
I want to learn to juggle, both physically and mentally.
I want to steal macaroons from an endless buffet…again. And then I want to hide them in my purse and eat them on a late night walk.
I want to live life without hurting people, including myself.
I want to believe in happily ever after with tree houses, diapers, and fire places.
I want to eat takeout and watch “Anne of Green Gables”.
If you have a rigid definition of love, I won’t fulfill it. I dont have a history of getting it right
Most likely, I will not come through for you as often as you would like. I am often combative, especially when I notice that intimacy is beginning to happen. I may not always listen or even try to understand. I may not always be there for you when you need me.
You can only love me as I am, not as you need me to be. I’ll disappoint you again and again as long as you expect me to meet your criteria. You can only love me unconditionally and with no guarantees that it will pay off to do so. You will need arms that can hold an inner child without losing respect for the outer adult. You will need a heart that can bear pain and loss without losing trust in the love that is trying to find you.
"I wish the whole day were like breakfast, when people are still connected to their dreams, focused inward, and not yet ready to engage with the world around them. I realized this is how I am all day; for me, unlike other people, there doesn't come a moment after a cup of coffee or a shower or whatever when I suddenly feel alive and awake and connected to the world. If it were always breakfast, I would be fine."
-Peter Cameron
I don’t usually eat breakfast, but sure do enjoy a cup of joe.
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