Model Tree Houses and True Confessions

Tomorrow is the last day, of my first year, at my new school.

"SADNESS OF THE INTELLECT: Sadness of being misunderstood [sic]; Humor sadness; Sadness of love wit[hou]t release; Sadne[ss of be]ing smart; Sadness of not knowing enough words to [express what you mean]; Sadness of having options; Sadness of wanting sadness; Sadness of confusion; Sadness of domes[tic]ated birds, Sadness of fini[shi]ng a book; Sadness of remembering; Sadness of forgetting; Anxiety sadness..."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything Is Illuminated)

Geeky is the new sexy.

"When I woke up I was naked. I have this one oddball idiosyncrasy: Sometimes in my sleep I take off all my clothes."
— Ethan Hawke (Ash Wednesday)

Why don’t adults play hide-and-seek? It sounds fun… ageless.

Things I like: avocados, elephants, old photographs of people I don’t know, incense, owls, sneak attacks, lemonade, stretchy pants, pop-up books, two sided tape, Hubba Bubba bubble gum, bows, paper scraps, heads-up pennies, Shel Silverstein, postsecrets, dinosaurs, well read and well dressed individuals, people who aren't afraid to admit that they don’t know something, choreographed and un-choreographed dance, Improv, and stray dogs/ cats.

Guilty Pleasure: hotdogs and donuts.

I’m watching the National Spelling Bee on ESPNews. I want my kid to be one of them.

“Beyond ideas, there is a field, will you meet me there? Will you see me without filters or fixations or illusions? Don’t make me special, just see me, understand me, be with me. Experience the passing moment here by my side.”

"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused."
— Paulo Coelho

Every now and then I like to do what I’m told. Just to confuse people. Keep ‘em on their toes.

If my career was finding cool ways to make a miniture forest and all its splendor, I think I would be pretty happy. But only if this miniature forest included miniature tree houses and miniature gnomes.
!
When I was little I wanted both glasses and braces. Both at the same time. I used to put paper clips in my mouth and pretend to have braces. True confession: I use to try to glue the paper clips in my mouth… I don’t think I have ever told anyone this…with nail glue…because it was instant. One time I got nail glue all over my lips. I told my mom I was trying to open the cap with my teeth. That was a lie. And after I would put the paper clips in my mouth I would interview myself in the bathroom mirror. I know, I know….why would someone get interviewed just because they had braces? I’m not sure. But it all made sense to me. I also remember pretending to have bad vision at an eye exam in hopes that I would have to get glasses. It never panned out.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. That's a saying, or a bit of advice, or a catchprase, or a string of words used to confuse people less intelligent than you. In any case, it means: Life is tough, so you'd better fight hard-or something like that."

I’m learning to process this.
Why does wisdom seem to go hand in hand with uncertainty and fear?

Maybe I am being unfair to myself but I can't help but to take stock of my natural gifts and my awareness of what upsets me in the world and shake my head at what I have done in light of those things. Ive got some thinking to do.
Apparently I was talking in my sleep last night.

I had a great morning.

The plain truth is you could find yourself outside your comfort zone a lot this year. The Rabbit is Yin, and you are Yang. That furry critter takes it slow and cautious, but you tend to want to jump right into the action, throwing caution to the wind. You probably tell it like it is, so unlike the diplomatic Rabbit. All this can add up to a lot of frustration, stress and even anxiety.

And there's more. Yours is not the first sign for nothing. You're probably quicker, shrewder and more charming than the Rabbit. Remember the story about the wolf in goat's clothing? Well if you dress up in Rabbit's clothing, you can increase your chance of success. When someone rubs you the wrong way, put on your sweetest bunny smile, bite your tongue and enjoy the taste of blood as you fight the urge to give that idiot a tongue lashing. Avoid confrontation, but do pick your spots. There will be plenty of opportunities. Bunny style may not appeal to you, but if it gets you what you want, and it will, why not?

Bunny style?

I want to bury a time capsule…the only question is: where?
"I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?"
— Laurie Halse Anderson

A our awards ceremony today a lot of people were getting choked up...and I was thinking "That use to be me" I use to be able to cry on queue, I remember crying all the time in college and highschool. But now, even when things are sad I just think "wow, thats sad" or "that's touching". But my eyes are always dry. Unless Im watching the part in Lion King when Mufasa dies...that gets me every time. But I could probably count on one hand how many times I have cried in the past year...probably on three fingers. I wonder if thats healthy, or if Im bottling up my emotions. Because a good cry, a real  cry, feels pretty good.
~
Inside I'm really such a sap. Don't get this confused with my bad ass exterior.

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
-Rilke

It’s been several days. I feel like I have a lot to say.
I have little to no self discipline.

She may have entered adulthood with an illusion of power and a sense of authority to put other people right, though she has had little success with it. She thinks that all she has to do is try harder, be worthier, and then she can change, perfect, and save other people. But she is in the dark about what really needs changing.

"There did not have to be a moral. She need only show separate minds, as alive as her own, struggling with the idea that other minds were equally alive. It wasn't only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding, above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you. And only in a story could you enter these different minds and show how they had an equal value. That was the only moral a story need have."
— Ian McEwan