I’m just a person whose intentions are extraordinary.

"I was glad my father was an eye-smiler. It meant he never gave me a fake smile because it's impossible to make your eyes twinkle if you aren't feeling twinkly yourself. A mouth-smile is different. You can fake a mouth-smile any time you want, simply by moving your lips. I've also learned that a real mouth-smile always has an eye-smile to go with it. So watch out, I say, when someone smiles at you but his eyes stay the same. It's sure to be a phony."

-Roald Dahl

According to the stars, here is what is in store for my week:

Your boss may be on the opposite of your greatest-hits list at the beginning of the week -- and if a significant other, friend or your mother is acting bossy, you're not loving them right now, either. Use a little tact; this, too, shall pass, so let it do that without any lasting damage. . You're plagued by doubts early this week -- lasting through Wednesday, most likely, unless you get some really good answers from the right person before that. All is better than well on Thursday and Friday -- people love you, and it looks like you're loving life. Choosing among all the good stuff should be your biggest problem. As for the weekend, something needs contemplation and resolution. Give it due time and consideration. It's not so bad to ask big questions, especially fairly early on, but if you've been with the same person for years, you may still want to get to know them even better. Your great energy later in the week guarantees that any discomfort that has popped up is quickly beaten back down.

"You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”

"Lena was an introvert. She knew she had trouble connecting with people. She always felt like her looks were fake bait, seeming to offer a bridge to people, which she couldn't easily cross."

It seems that every one of my friends on Facebook either just gave birth or just got married. One even practically married while giving birth. I don't know how to explain my thoughts on marriage succinctly but I'll try anyway. I know that I am in absolutely no rush. I wouldn’t say that I am a cynic, but skepticism is definitely a word in my vocabulary. I'm not the type that has dreamed about marriage my whole life [or even 1/8 of my life] or the type to tell a man that I must be married!!! With some insane urgency, but I do feel that marriage is the next logical step if two people are unwilling to live without one another. I feel that many people's aversion to marriage has a base that is steeped in fear, selfishness, or distrust. And that's not the type of person I'm interested in being with anyway, ring or no ring. Not only that, but I refuse to raise children out of wedlock because I have not come this far to be some dude's baby mama. Hell to the naw.

I don’t care what anyone says, “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John will forever be one of my favorite songs. Elton John has swag.

Swag- The way in which you carry yourself. Swag is made up of your overall confidence, style, and demeanor. Swag can also be expanded to be the reputation of your overall swagger. You gain swag, or "Swag up", by performing swag worthy actions that improve this perception. A person can also "swag down," by being an overall pussy and garnering negative swag for their actions. Swag is a subtle thing that many strive to gain but few actually attain. It is reserved for the most swagalicious of people. Swag can also be quantified, with point systems existing in some circles of friends.

I believe in trust and honesty and respect and loyalty and commitment. But there's so much more. There should be an honor for one another, an admiration, a passion between two people. A union without these things, is a union that is unjust and incomplete.

I’m just a person whose intentions are extraordinary.

This label looks like a penis. Tell me I’m wrong.

"I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself."



The more they underestimate you, the less they know.

I had a very productive weekend. I got a lot planned for school, and am relatively motivated because I like what I’m teaching. I also completed a lot of work on the canvas I have been working on for months. I am almost finished. I just have some thoughts/ ideas that I am still processing before I can baptize it a masterpiece of me.

"One can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways."

Maybe we need to be hollowed.

“I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is...There will always be propelling and disturbing elements...  It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give meaning and color to one's friendships and love.”

-Kay Red Jamison (An Unquiet Mind)

 

So today I went on my bi-weekly “Goodwill Hunting” CD and book search. I did not find anything I couldn’t live without this weekend, and am trying hard to save money. But that is neither here nor there. I came to the following conclusions/ affirmations while at goodwill this evening:

People should really be tested, emotionally, financially, mentally, and fucking common sensically before they are allowed to reproduce. There should not have to be an announcement every 3 minutes to watch your kids while shopping. The world is not your daycare. People are sick. Stupid and sick. I'm not sure which is worse.

 People have absolutely no manners. (See prior postings. This is an epidemic.) I watched an adult man drop his 48oz soda all over the floor, pick up his cup, set it right side up, and walk off.

 A lot of people steal from GOODWILL!! I asked one of the cashiers once why they had such a problem with theft (after at least five of the CD cases I browsed had missing CD’s). They said it was because Goodwill won’t press charges since it is a second hand non-profit store, whose proceeds all go back to the community anyways. This makes no sense to me. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that some people with very dire circumstances steal to get by, but seriously, there is nothing at Goodwill that is life sustaining.

Per⋅cep⋅tive

adjective: having or showing keenness of insight, understanding, or intuition.

So we lay glowing in the grass

to watch the sun swap with the moon

to trade our future for our past

the present tense was all we knew

Horoscope for Saturday, August 27, 2011:

You’re a good judge of character.

Because I'm selfish enough to want to get better,

But I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there.

And when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase,

It's what you've become and it's what you will stay

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

I’m working on my ability to dismiss doubt. I know it's because I'm naturally a fair and just person and I feel like I always have to hear, understand and consider both sides and or outcomes before I come to a decision. I feel like I need to give it time and think through the "What ifs?" Although I know I'm brilliant, I hesitate because I sometimes wonder if there's something out there I haven't thought of, a possibility I haven't yet considered. And then I get all caught up in those thoughts and before I know it, time has passed.

The quiet can scrape

all the calm from your bones,

but maybe it should.

Maybe we need to be hollowed

to get up and grow,

and stop fucking around,

to kick off our braces and start straightening out.

Let's sift through the static

to find a simpler sound...

simpler sound than the shit that's clouding our heads now.

I’ve decided it’s time to start tiptoeing along that tightrope. I have so many things I want to do, and I honestly don’t know what I’m waiting for! If I learned anything from last year, and losing my fallopian tube and all the other nonsensical drama, it’s that everything happens for a reason. I am lucky enough to be young, healthy and intelligent. I may not have much but I need to take advantage of what I do have right now.

“When was the last time you dreamed? I'm talking about dreaming and achieving something that you really want in your life. I bet when you were younger you dreamed all the time, but something happened and it didn't turn out. That's probably when you slowly gave up on dreaming. Or maybe you're one of those people who achieved your dreams and didn't bother to create new ones. Or you're in the large pool of people who never really dreamed at all. Don't worry. That's common. Often people get busy in their daily lives and forget to dream. Or they're afraid to dream because it brings up lots of emotions that put them at risk for being hurt or disappointed. It's comfortable to live without emotional risk, but that's not where the fun is in life. Having dreams engages you in your life, makes it more exciting, and connects you to yourself and what's important to you.”

– Lauren Zander

 

A part of me embraces and relishes my freedom and independence, another part of me recoils at it. I love sleeping whenever and leaving mugs on my nightstand. I hate cooking for myself, grocery shopping, and setting aside a day for laundry. I like sorting my piles when I feel like it, buying coffee and cheap jewelry with my last few dollars and organizing my shit the way I so desire. I hate setting up appointments, seeing doctors, managing a schedule, trying to budget. I like being able to go wherever I want, sitting in the middle of my bed in underwear, staying up as late as I want and crashing. I have officially been independent for eight years now*. I want to take my independence in another direction and own things, build things, run things.

(*Although I consider myself to be independent, I have more family support than I deserve or care to admit.)

First on my list to build: a tree house.

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.”

— Marcel Pagnol

Sometimes the answer to all life's questions is to throw down on the dance floor.

"The voice of the nickly reflection of the moon was not as deep as you might expect. It was a singer’s voice, though, a tenor, one that loved itself without reservation.

I feel time like you dream. Your dreams are jumbled. You can’t remember the order of your dreams, and when you recall them, the memories bend. Faces change. It’s all in puddles and ripples. That’s what time is for me."  
-Dave Eggers

Last night I dreamed that I joined the airforce. I had to go to bootcamp, at boot camp I had to ride in very small airplane in which I couldnt move my legs and I felt very claustrophobic. I also at some point decided to paint my body red, head to toe. I walked into a chapel and the preacher conducting the service was Lance Reddick (Colonel Cedric Daniels) from 'The Wire'. And then all of a sudden I was in a cafe hiding cocaine in the back of my i-Pod.

To see a church or chapel in your dream represents your beleifs or moral code; a sense of relationship between the forces within you, and the world outside of you; the cycles of life and growth.

To see an airplane in your dreams represents quick or dramatic life changes; taking a risk; vulnerable ideals, hopes, and plans; anxiety or fear; power to change or transform one's situation, or to change or influence others; getting away from the present situation or style of life.To climb aboard a plane is to embark upon dramatic movement from one way of life, or situation, to another. It is a leap into the unknown, into chance-- so it is a powerful symbol of change. Perhaps that flight into chance, into life and its mysterious possibilities might be okay. Or it might fall from the sky. Meanwhile, on the plane you will not have your feet on the ground, you will not be secure. The plans, the love, the hope and efforts might work out or crash leading to tradegy with all its rippling effects.

To see the color red in your dream, even if it appears quite casually represents one's basic emotions, earthy nature, and sexuality. In these senses it depicts one's strength or vitality.

(Note: Cedric Daniels from 'The Wire' could not be found in the Dream Dictionary.)

"We feel that to reveal embarrassing or private things, we have given someone something, that, like a primitive person fearing that a photographer will steal his soul, we identify our secrets, our past and their blotches, with our identity, that revealing our habits or losses or deeds somehow makes one less of oneself. "               
-Dave Eggers (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius)

Last night definetly ranks in my top 5 most embarrassing moments as an adult.

The cafe is quiet tonight.

This too shall pass.

Things are looking up at work. I officially got my schedule today, and am more than excited to say that I am teaching two writing classes (fist pump) and two literacy classes. No math! It's gonna be a good year.





I can't wait until it cools off so I can continue on my treasure quest. I plan to blog all about it during the winter.

Sometimes the answer to all life's questions is to throw down on the dance floor.

Accidently slept in this morning. My alarm either didn't go off, or I didn't hear it. Either way it was a fast morning.

Helluo librorum

“It’ll be hundreds of us, all running together on the beach, a herd of bare and hopeful flesh, sprinting from left to right, of course symbolizing all the things that that would obviously symbolize.”
-Dave Eggers

Two things in life are infinite: the universe and options.

"Years later, he would realize her SleepPlaylist was the most perfect SleepPlaylist ever created.
It was the one which his 100's of seemingly perfect SleepPlaylists always hoped to be.
Somehow she had it right this whole time.."

Cura ut valeas

This is obviously indicative of the rapture being near.

"Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home."


Maybe I should just leave class and go see a movie. Take myself on a date.


It has been intolerably hot out the last few days. This has caused me to have to keep the ladies in at lunch, which can’t possibly be good for my already feeble mental health.
Needless to say, I want to kill myself. But this is obviously indicative of the rapture being near, so I guess I'll just wait it out.

What’s in store this week Rob Brezney?

Go where the drama is, Sagittarius, but not where the melodrama is. Place yourself in the path of the most interesting power, but don't get distracted by displays of power that are dehumanizing or narcissistic. You are in a phase of your astrological cycle when you have a mandate to intensify your excitement with life and increase your ability to be deeply engaged with what attracts you. I urge you to be as brave as you once were when you conquered a big fear and to be as curious as you were when you discovered a big secret about who you are. For extra credit, be highly demonstrative in your expression of what you care about.
http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/

I think I need a real vacation, and a lottery win. Put that in my horoscope next week. Mmkay?

"Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized."
-Steve Martin (An Object of Beauty)

Zombicorns=  Zombie Unicorns

I don’t even know if I trust my own judgment anymore.

"What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."
-John Green

I am distressed because I don't know why I am feeling what I am feeling and where I am going to end up.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them

I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes.

I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
-Rumi

When she dreams of love, she dreams of mashed potatoes.

"Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out?

You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you’ll never know."

So for those of you who have followed my noting and blogging for awhile, know that last summer I started writing a prison inmate after reading an inspirational book called "A Saint on Death Row: The Dominique Green Story". I contact a lady who worked through a church organization to find people willing to correspond with an inmate who faced the death penalty. Why? Because they are the ones who usually have the least people left to talk to. I believe that all people should have some sort of human contact, even the worst of people, unless you've murdered or molested children, I do draw the line somewhere. Plus I like to receive good old fashioned letters. Anyways, what am I getting at? Well, I stopped writing him about a 9 months ago when he began asking me to send a picture of myself to a cellular phone that had been snuck into the cells. I just didn't feel like there was any reason for this person to know what I look like, I was not trying to start a steamy prison love affair. Well a couple of days ago I received another letter from him that went a little something like this:

It has been a very long time since I last heard anything from you. It seems like I should have gotten over it by now but for some reason I have not been able to. I still find myself worrying about you at some point each and everyday. And I still miss hearing from you. The few letters that you sent to me were and remain beaming rays of sunshine in my life. When I get to thinking about you, I usually end up reading those letters again as well...I miss you.

Now, the remainder of the letter was innocent enough, updating me about life in prison, and the appeal process, etc. etc. But something about that 1) creeps me out and 2) kinda makes me feel like I did what I intended, to bring a little bit of happiness to the lowest of us.

That being said, I still don't think I will write him back.

"She dreams a lot. She dreams of Ondines and falling maidens and houses burning in the night. But search her dreams all you like and you'll never find Prince Charming. No knight on a white horse gallops into her dreams to carry her away. When she dreams of love, she dreams of mashed potatoes. "

I'm not sure why, but I woke up at 5am this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. I refuse to this again tomorrow.

Monday's suck...

And they suck even more when they are a continuation of a weekend that felt like Mondays.

It looks like I will be teaching two math classes again this quarter. Negatives: I'm not a huge fan of math, it is to concrete for my mind, there is not enough room for interpretation or creativity, which I thrive on. Positive: It is the same math class for two different periods during the day, thus, I just decreased my planning time dramatically.

"Of course we did other things too. We walked. We talked. We rode bikes. Though I had my driver's license, I bought a cheap secondhand bicycle so I could ride with her. Sometimes she led the way, sometimes I did. Whenever we could, we rode side by side.

She was bendable light: she shone around every corner of my day.

She taught me to revel. She taught me to wonder. She taught me to laugh. My sense of humor had always measured up to everyone else's; but timid introverted me, I showed it sparingly: I was a smiler. In her presence I threw back my head and laughed out loud for the first time in my life"

Heart and head are contrary historians.

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

I've been living in this cafe lately.

Push Pin Anxiety- A psychological state characterized by one's excessive push-in push-out of his or her retractable pen; due to stress or boredom.

“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.”

So I've been doing this thing lately. This 'thing' is that I buy CD grab bags from Zia, then I randomly grab a CD and play it, without looking of course. It's like a continual surprise, which I love...not always a good one, but it makes me smile none-the-less.

"I’m erased. I’m gone. I’m nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl…. And… I see. I hear. But not with eyes and ears. I’m not outside my world anymore, and I’m not really inside it either. The thing is, there’s no difference between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me. I am a stone, a cactus thorn. I am rain. I like that most of all, being rain."

Harvesting the crops of awesome.

“When you start envying people and their nervous breakdowns, it’s probably time to start examining your own life a bit more closely.”

So I am in search for the perfect new wallet. I would like something that A) leather B) Has a lot of room for cards and C) is handcrafted by an independent designer. SO, I have been online browsing on Etsy and so far here are my favorites:

I know this one is very simplistic. But I like simple. I'm kinda into the color yellow, and since I don't wear the color yellow, I would love to have an everyday item that is yellow.

Because I love bows. 

This ones not leather, but I love it. I may be able to sacrifice leather for birds and trees.

I suppose that's all for now, but I'm not giving up the search quite yet.

“But somewhere along the line, something changed, and she became unbearably beautiful in her quiet grief, in the way she bravely embraced the new solitude of her life, in her serene acceptance of her own tragic circumstances, and something was born in me, something that comes alive only in her presence, that dreams unspeakable things and considers a wide range of absurd possibilities.”

I can’t say that I’m the most well adjusted individual out there but I don’t hate myself. We all have self esteem issues at one time in our lives or another but I can honestly say I love the person that is ME. Would I change anything? Sure, I could lose a few pounds and the hair issue bothers me but there’s not a whole lot to be done about it.

The hair issue being ‘Alopecia Areata”. If you’re curious of this condition click on this link: http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/alopecia_areata.html

Please do not be alarmed upon clicking the link. I do not want to start receiving sympathy or recycled human hair. I do not lose ALL of my hair. Usually one patch a year, typically the size of a quarter. 

"It was bewildering and humbling to keep discovering how many brave things people can fail to talk themselves out of doing."
-Rob Sheffield 

SO, I posted on Facebook about pessimistic gas station lady and her theory on the state of my being. But if you didn’t catch it:

Gas Station Lady: “Oh my god, you were born on November 28^th?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Gas Station Lady: “Oh gosh, I’m sorry. That’s a horrible day to be born on.”

Me: “Why is that?”

Gas Station Lady: “Because people born on November 28^th tend to live there life in a perpetual state of loneliness. I read all about it in a book. They spend their lives alone, because they can never find people who really, truly understand them.”

Me: “Hmmm”

Gas Station Lady: “Well, I sure hope that’s not your experience. Have a great day!”

To make matters worse, I have not been the happiest person lately. And I have spent the last week or so feeling pretty lonely, of which is my own doing….I’m just saying, she’s lucky I'm not suicidal.

“And the thing is, no matter how many times I have the dream, I’m always shocked and horrified, and this little part of me, the part that’s conscious of the dream, wonders how the hell I could have let it happen again, when I already know the dream.”

On an unrelated note, here's a card I'd like to send...

Dear Café Patron:

I don't care what people do in their own home but when you're at a public establishment among other people who share the daily paper, please don't take it with you to the bathroom. We all know what you're doing in there. Unless I get the paper before you, there's no way I'm going anywhere near it once you're done unless I'm wearing a Hazmat suit. Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

"The hungry feeling and the lonely feeling merged until it was hard to tell them apart."
-Rob Sheffield

While you may think of yourself as a big-picture person, Monday brings details that simply cannot be ignored. Force yourself to deal with them quickly so you can get on with the rest of the week -- you'll need to spend some time pondering the big issues in a few days. Watch out for dates or other one-on-one interactions on Thursday or Friday, as you may be a bit grumpy and less able to present your good side. Forewarned is forearmed! The travel bug should bite you hard this weekend, and it's a good time to make plans to get out of town.

I think my horoscope is telling me to commit to the Labor Day camping trip. It would get me out of town.

She's releasing a live album November 22nd. I can't wait. It shall be an early birthday present to myself perhaps. I love this song, and it seems appropriate for today.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat...

"Her universe is such a big place full of so many galaxies-100 billion of them with 100 billion stars apiece which means 10 to the 22nd power stars-that it’s terrifying to think of the odds that we found each other. We want to freeze the perfect moment hold on to it at least long enough to understand it. But it dances on with us or without us so we jump in and try to keep up. The universe is expanding and we are just two of a billion stars."
-Rob Sheffield “Talking to Girls About Duran Duran”

It may be time to retire to my bed, where I can get lost in my book. I haven't been having the best days lately. Maybe with a good nights sleep I can start my Monday off harvesting the crops of awesome.
Here's hoping.