Where did the summer go?

Why was I awake at 5:45am? I did not sleep well last night.

“The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.”

We cannot be overcautious, for our sense of aliveness is directly proportional to how much we allow our longings to have their full career in our hearts.

It’s best not to have expectations or make assumptions.

The other night I had a dream that I was on the reality show “Real World”, except it was a challenge show…and every week someone got kicked out of the house. This is how they decided: They chose something that belonged to you, it could be an article of clothing or anything. If the judges thought it was tacky they would not right your name on the tag, and that meant that you were eliminated.

I wasn’t eliminated, but one week I had two articles of clothing in the bag. One said “Kristen” the other said “Kristen...but we really had to deliberate about this one”.

One girl got kicked out of the house because she had a hamster bra. And by this I mean each cup was in fact, a hamster face.

Speaking of hamsters: www.whenhamstersattack.com

You would think as I get older I would start having more realistic expectations of people.

I’ve become sped up and negative. My insecurity is only magnified and in turn my bitch level increases. I need to learn to change that defense mechanism… but I think the reason I don’t even though now I’ve identified it is because the reason it is my defense mechanism is because its how I feel… and acting the opposite would be incredibly fake and I feel like everyone could see right through it. What does that sinking feeling say about me? Human nature / instinct? I don’t know. But I hate that feeling.

A perfect pillow.  A treasure as rare as true love, the perfect pillow not only aids in rest or sleep, but in restful, life-altering sleep.  Find yours.  Conquer your dreams.

P.S. Nickelodeon, Ke$ha was not an appropriate guest star for a children's television show. For one if not many of the following reasons:

1.  Skank does not necessarily mean talent

2. Who spells their name with a dollar sign?

3. She is not setting a good example to those pre-pubescent kids in need of hygiene skills.

Take a shower! Just sayin. This is not hot, and neither is your digitally altered voice:

A hyphen should not be confused with a dash.

Im looking forward to this. You better not disappoint Anne Hathaway.

I won’t disappoint you if you know me as a fallible human being with love to give and not much practice giving it consistently but with a commitment to keep practicing. I can only be loved with all of my faults, my efforts to amend them, and my failures to amend them.

Microwave Inflation:

When the cooking time of food needs to be adjusted to account for a weaker or stronger microwave.

 I'm not super impressed with my horoscope this week. I needed something with a laugh in it Rob Brezny, but I suppose this was to be expected given my current state.

What images would be most helpful for you to fill your imagination up with? What scenes would heal and activate your subconscious mind, inspiring you in just the right ways? I invite you to make a list of at least five of these, and then visualize them often in the coming days. Here are a few possibilities to get you warmed up: peach trees filled with ripe fruit; the planet Jupiter as seen through a powerful telescope; a magnificent suspension bridge at dawn or dusk; a large chorus animatedly singing a song you love; the blissful face of a person you love.

Whether it's your time to ferment in the shadows or sing in the sun, fresh power to transform yourself is on the way. Life always delivers the creative energy you need to change into the new thing you must become.

So, I’ve been thinking, maybe a mobile would help me sleep better. You know, distract me from my thoughts long enough to clear my brain enough to fall asleep. I’ve been shopping around and here are my top three:

Pirates vs. Ninjas...duh

Because dreaming of the rain calms me.

I'm kinda on the fence on this one.

Although this one is called a "baby gadget", I disagree.

Work really wore me out today...and the truth is...I'm not sure why.

And on a final note, I just think that, one day we should all just either shut the hell up or say everything that crosses our mind. So the world can either be a silent one or a chaotic one. Because I’m sick of the in-between one.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom."
~ Anais Nin

Chaocosm, n. A place of ordered randomness, or organized disarray. chaocosmic, adj.

Sagittarian author Derrick Jensen wrote the book A Language Older Than Words. He weaves together the tale of his abusive childhood with an angry analysis of the damage human beings have done to the earth and each other. It's a wrenching text, but in the end it offers redemption. A review by Publisher's Weekly says that "Jensen's book accomplishes the rare feat of both breaking and mending the reader's heart." I invite you to pursue a similar possibility, Sagittarius. Summon the courage to allow your heart to be broken by a blessed catharsis that will ultimately heal your heart so it's even stronger and smarter than it was before the breaking.

I don't think it was just Starbucks....I think it's food service in general.

In two generations, we have lost our compassion.

"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.
"No, I give it up," Alice said. "What's the answer?"
"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter.
"Nor I," said the March Hare."
Alice sighed wearily.
"I think you might do something better with the time," she said, "than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers."
"But that's life," proclaimed the Hatter.

 I can not justify using my blow dryer in this heat. Specially when I step out of the house and my scalp immediately starts to sweat, and therefore my hair becomes a frizz fest. 

My 3rd favorite thing about Arizona- Wednesday night classes at U of P during the summer. Why? Because I love how ten sweaty people will try to cram in one elevator. Smells delicious.

“I want to wash your hair with a shampoo that smells like fruit - mango, or strawberries. I want to walk on a beach with you, dragging a big stick behind us, making a message in the sand that we try to believe an airplane will really see. I want to kiss saltwater from your lips. I want us to listen to music with our eyes closed; I want to read musty books while lying next to you - books about fascinating things like mummies and eccentric artists and old shipwrecks in the Pacific. I want to have picnics on our bed and crawl into cotton sheets that smell like summer because we left the windows open when we were gone. I want to wake in the night with you and marvel at the stars and try to find the moon through the trees. I want all the sweet things in life. But only by your side.”-Deb Caletti

I don't think that I'm what people would describe as "approachable".  Why do I think that? It’s simple, I have been told that on a number of occasions. I'm not sure why. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have a condition best described as "bitch face"  where I look sort of smug and/or irritable at all times unless I am smiling. Also, I have been told that I look at the ground when I walk and often cross my arms as if to say “don’t f%$#ing talk to me”. This of course, has never been my intention. 1) I am shy 2) I think promiscuous eye contact is invasive; I must feel very comfortable with you to stare you in the eyes.

To contradict that idea, I have also been told that I “have a very charismatic personality”.

I’m confused.

chaocosm, n. A place of ordered randomness, or organized disarray. chaocosmic, adj.

  I need one of these: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9jTAbm/www.yankodesign.com/2011/08/01/cradle-for-adults

Last night I had a dream that I had to once again teach two math classes. Or should I say, I had a nightmare. 

Life is a series of these moments. Everything is else is just waiting for them.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true -Grey's Anatomy

"The first language humans had was gestures. There was nothing primitive about this language that flowed from people's hands, nothing that we say now that could not be said in the endless array of movements possible with the fine bones of the fingers and wrists. The gestures were complex and subtle, involving a delicacy of motion that has since been lost completely."
-Nicole Krauss

There are few things that inspire as much panic as being alone in a fitting room and considering asking for help out of a too-small dress that is covering your chest, face, and arms, leaving you barefoot in your underwear and your hands useless in the air.
Gotta love back to school shopping.

Has a passion for wearing onesies

"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses--one foot is on the horse called "fate," the other on the horse called "free will." And the question you have to ask every day is--which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?"
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

When I was little I use to stay up late at night and try to figure out how I would escape from my burning room, if my house were to be on fire. At the time I chose "pilly" (my pillow) as what I would rescue first. But now I would surely take Honey, and then my photo albums. Because pictures can't be replaced, and neither can Honey, everything else is replaceable.

"These should not be called kisses... they should be called nipples."   

-Janelle

So for those of you who know me, you know that my most precious pet ever was a goat named Bobo. He was a nubian goat with grey ears and a grey nose, and at the age of 9 or 10 he was the love of my life. My sister and brother use to harass me and say that I was going to marry him and have "goatlins". Anyways, I only bring this up because several nights ago in my dream my dad was trying to explain to a group of random strangers how Bobo died. His explanation was this: "Bobo got bitten by a hamster"

What is the difference between 'grey' and 'gray'?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?


"Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a moustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay." -Tom Robbins

You have this idea of what kind of movie your life is and you expect the characters you cast to behave a certain way. To read from the script.
But the best ones never do.

 If you want to find a great source of birth control, or be inspired to wait, come sit in the Scottsdale Public Library on a summer afternoon.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
-A.A. Milne

I have regular intimate communion with the Divine Wow (formerly known as "God"). Whether I "believe" in my Dear Companion is irrelevant -- just as I don't need to "believe" in a juicy Fuji apple while I'm eating it. That's why atheists seem to me like goofy kooks, as fundamentalist in their own way as evangelical Christians. They have absolute, unshakable faith that there's no such thing as our Big Wild Friend. Agnostics I can understand better; they're like pre-orgasmic virgins who are at least open to the possibility of getting the full treatment. I offer these comments as a prelude to my prediction for you, Sagittarius, which is that you will soon have a very good chance to get up-close and personal with the Divine Wow. (If that offends you because you're an atheist, no worry. Nothing bad will happen if you turn down the invitation.)  

I want a pair of "baby legs"....for adults of course. babylegs.com

Maybe a black onesie to go with.

“I can’t tell if she’s actually real, or if she’s stopped caring if she’s real or not. Or is not caring what makes a person real?”
-Jennifer Egan (A Visit From the Goon Squad)

Some mornings the sun looks wrong outside my window.

“The answers were maddeningly absent—it was like trying to remember a song that you knew made you feel a certain way, without a title, artist, or even a few bars to bring it back.”
-Jennifer Egan (A Visit From the Goon Squad)

“The dirt you and I could share forever would grow a tree so high it’d kiss a star, each leaf a promise, each stem a new beginning.” -I wrote this for you

My 2^nd favorite part of Arizona- the effervescent smell of boiling sewer.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I took a group of students to Disneyland with two co-workers. There was a sparring match between two giants. I was touring apartments, and found one with yellow and red walls, a projector, and some door art that looked like a Banksy piece. I also took a trip down a very long tunnel slide. It was in a mansion that someone rented at Disneyland.

Seeing the color red in your dream often represents one's basic emotions, earthy nature, and sexuality. When seen in a decorative sense, red signifies richness and comfort.
Yellow symbolizes lightness of feeling; intellect; extroversion, cowardice; intuition; hopefulness for the future. 

Oh, and at Barnes the other day, I found a book called "Build Your Own Dream Tree house". I think it is a sign.

Nothing is faster than the speed of thought.

Everyone edits themselves here, and it makes me wonder whether you’re ever actually connected to real people, or just the people they all wish they were.

Last night I had a dream in which I was watching a slide show of my life; however, the  pictures in the slide show were ones that I have never taken, and encompassed things I have never done. I also watched a "cheerleading" exhibition. But it resembled more of a circus performance...

Speaking of which, I think being a circus performer would be an ideal job. You would get to travel, perform, wear cool costumes, and play with elephants. What's not to love about that?
I think it may be my new calling in life. But I'm probably getting a bit old for it...so I better act fast.

In my resume I would include the following qualitifcations:
1) Loves tents
2) Is an animal whisperer
3) Flexible (or use to be, but I could get is back, I swear)
4) Likes to play with fire in controlled environments
5) Has a passion for wearing onesies

I have always been fascinated by the story of Pandora's Box...which is why the new piece of art (rookie art) that I am working on is themed around this story:

"In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope."

"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for."

Some days my middle finger feels like answering questions.

"Each person who ever was or is or will be has a song. It isn't a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, it has its own words. Very few people get to sing their song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest, or too odd. So people live their song instead."
-Neil Gaiman

Please words. I need you now. I need you to tell the truth. To say things as they are. Don't be words that I say too fast, words that I have to defend. Please don't listen to me when I tell you to do the wrong things, be the words you were meant to be. Be honor and fire place and cellar door. Be slow and sunrise and sunset. No words more than needed, just enough to say what I mean and mean what I say.

I need to spend more time being in awe.
Maybe then, I would have taken less of this for granted.

Simple things that make me smile:
1. Finally laughing after trying so hard to hold it in.
2. Intentionally mismatched socks.
3. The smell of books.
4. A scent that reminds me of a great memory.
5. The first signs of fall.
6. Unexpected text messages.
7. The first step into a hot bath.
8. Songs that match my mood.
9. Falling asleep instantly.
10. The unexpected.

The heat is making me miss the cold sooo much. I'd give anything for snow right now. And this:

"Our eyelashes brushed like they would weave together by themselves, turning us into one wild thing. I say, “I think I missed you before I met you even."
-Francesca Lia Block

I want to get a bow tattoo behind my left ear...something like this...I don't think I would want the ribbon that long.....

I'll think about this one for awhile. It's a little girly for me.

If there is something you want to say to me, then just say it. You'll never have a less threatening audience.


Show me the world that's inside your head. Mine may, or may not look like this:

Because these are awesome:

I admire people who can just say whats on their mind with no reservations. I've always wanted to be a little more like that. I avoid conflict at all costs. But I think it would be very liberating to just tell someone to "fuck off". Just once. Some days my middle finger feels like answering questions. But it does not. I don't like to hurt other peoples feelings, even if this means sacrificing my own. I am trying to get better at this...not to the extreme, just better. I also have a fear that what I have to say may be misinterpreted. I suppose the words always come in time.

I finished reading book #3 of the summer. "This is Where I Leave You" by Jonathan Tropper.

I need to live somewhere cooler, so I can read and wear socks like these:

There are some things that I'll never understand. I'll never understand the goosebumps I get when first stepping into hot water. I'll never understand the dreams I have with strangers in them, people I've never met or seen. I'll never understand how a person can keep going back to the ones who hurt them. But what I do understand is that once we actually understand everything, the world loses its shine.



Secret #216- I have a soft spot for "Gossip Girl". It's the fashion, I swear. I think it is because of her:

Time for homework. Priorities.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."

I hate how my mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

"The difference between how you look and how you see yourself is enough to kill most people. And maybe the reason vampires don’t die is because they can never see themselves in photographs or mirrors."
—Chuck Palahuniuk 

She was a girl that spoke her mind, never played games and acted confident when she could barely stand looking in the mirror. She didn't gloat of her achievements, or tell of them even though she had made many. She lived in mistakes, in past regrets, and she's just beginning to realize that sometimes, you can't change things. That you can't go back in the past and sometimes, you just have to move on because life's too short to dwell on the unchangeable.

This is how I felt Saturday morning:

To my surprise I did not vomit. But I did have a splitting headache. Go figure.

Over thinking ruins everything.

She stole my look:

Questions I often ask myself:
1. If magic can regrow bones and fix teeth, why can’t it correct vision?
2. If I had to choose a TV show that most applied to my life, which one would it be?
3. Do I see myself the way other people see me?
4. Can you cry underwater?
5. If mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?
6. Why do I continually return to the refrigerator in hopes that something new has materialized?
7. If the plural of tooth is "teeth", why isn't the plural of booth, "beeth"?

Why am I awake at 6:30am on a Sunday morning? Oh, because I went to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night.

Camping would be so much better in a tent like this:

I wish I could say that I am surprised that Amy Whinehouse was found dead in her apartment.

Authenticity is key.

I'm living in separate universes and I have no idea where I actually belong.

She’s been everybody else’s girl maybe one day she’ll be her own.
Another annoyance in life is girls with low self-esteem. I can let it slide if you are 11-16, because you are probably kind of ugly at this point in time (well, i was.) and you are just constantly thinking stupid, selfish, unnecessarily dramatic things about every aspect of your life. So go ahead, hate the way you look. You will realize how dumb you were during this age eventually. As a general rule, however, I feel like it's sort of disrespectful to constantly nitpick your appearance when you are anatomically normal and your body performs all of its required functions with ease. Because there are people who are less fortunate and have, like, five faces with no eyes or mermaid legs. Those afflictions, my friends, are things you can legitimately feel bad about.

Women who get down on themselves for not looking as good as a Victoria's Secret model when clothed only in underwear should consider the following:

1) Those women have been genetically blessed to be more attractive than everybody else. that is why they are paid millions of dollars for hanging out in their bras.

2) They photoshop those pictures, anyway. and while I'm sure that Giselle Bundchen looks pretty good naked in real life, she probably looks even better after those photos are edited.

3) Those girls probably never get to eat carbs and have to exercise all the time. That sounds like such a fucking drag. I would say that if you are eating pasta and are not on a grueling workout schedule, you don't really have a right to complain about not having the trimmest of physiques. Am I rite?
And of course, at times, I too am guilty of this. It's the human condition.

And this leads me to another question that I think a lot about. Do people see me, the way I see me? Illusory Superiority:

"Illusory superiority is a cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and abilities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others. This is evident in a variety of areas including intelligence, performance on tasks or tests, and the possession of desirable characteristics or personality traits. It is one of many positive illusions relating to the self, and is a phenomenon studied in social psychology. Illusory superiority is often referred to as the above average effect."

I understand that this is most likely a human defense mechanism. Afterall, who is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? But it also makes me wonder if this is what I need to remind myself of when Im at the mall and say, "what the hell was she thinking when she walked out of the house like that?". Perhaps she or he, saw something other than what I see. This also scares me, and reminds me, that people may look at me and say the exact same thing.

I will conceitedly admit that I have often thought of myself as "above average". I'm not sure how I came to this conclusion, except that maybe I have taken other people's compliments a little too seriously.I know I have my flaws, for sure, but when I measure them according to the flaws of others (bitch I know), I somehow feel like I have less. But maybe me judging myself in relationship to other people shows that I actually do not consider myself above average.

It's just that at times, especially by the pool, or in other locations where women are scantily clad, I try to find the girl who may or may not look the most like me. Or I try to assess what others may see when they look at me. It's weird.  But Im human, and I just want to know what other people truly see when they look at me.

I have been told I look like the following people:

 Demi Lovato: I can see the resemblance in the chimple and the dark hair....

And Vanessa Hudgens....Again, dark hair...round face. Thats.about.it.

Someone also told me once that I looked like Snooki. Ummm....I hope not.

Ivillage facial recognition says that I look like Beyonce...or that we have similar facial structures. Which may mean one of two things. 1) I am biracial (which would be cool) or 2) I tan too much.

So, the question remains valid. How do other people see us?

Last night I really wished it was raining. I wanted to drink hot chocolate and have a slice of warm pie. Any kind would do.

"I believe in low lights and trick mirrors."
- Andy Warhol

On to more awesome things, yesterday was National Hotdog Day!

Something I dont understand is this: at 26, why am I still having break outs?

"To know one’s own state is not a simple matter. One cannot look directly at one’s own face with one’s own eyes, for example. One has no choice but to look at one’s reflection in the mirror. Through experience, we come to believe that the image is correct, but that is all."
—Haruki Mirakami

It's amazing how fast life passes and changes. There are many memories I miss. Mostly from my girls, because I really dont have any girlfriends anymore. Here were some goodtimes:

 

I had a dream last night that Sonja (far left) was beginning her own reality television show.

Jennifer is married. Kim is married and prego.

And he was just on "Americas Got Talent".

Something happened and we all grew up.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted.
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that loving doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is to uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure.


"He wanted to live life in such a way that if a photograph were taken at random, it would be a cool photograph."
-David Nichols (One Day)


 I want to spend Sunday like this: