Has a passion for wearing onesies

"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses--one foot is on the horse called "fate," the other on the horse called "free will." And the question you have to ask every day is--which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?"
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

When I was little I use to stay up late at night and try to figure out how I would escape from my burning room, if my house were to be on fire. At the time I chose "pilly" (my pillow) as what I would rescue first. But now I would surely take Honey, and then my photo albums. Because pictures can't be replaced, and neither can Honey, everything else is replaceable.

"These should not be called kisses... they should be called nipples."   

-Janelle

So for those of you who know me, you know that my most precious pet ever was a goat named Bobo. He was a nubian goat with grey ears and a grey nose, and at the age of 9 or 10 he was the love of my life. My sister and brother use to harass me and say that I was going to marry him and have "goatlins". Anyways, I only bring this up because several nights ago in my dream my dad was trying to explain to a group of random strangers how Bobo died. His explanation was this: "Bobo got bitten by a hamster"

What is the difference between 'grey' and 'gray'?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?


"Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a moustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay." -Tom Robbins

You have this idea of what kind of movie your life is and you expect the characters you cast to behave a certain way. To read from the script.
But the best ones never do.

 If you want to find a great source of birth control, or be inspired to wait, come sit in the Scottsdale Public Library on a summer afternoon.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
-A.A. Milne

I have regular intimate communion with the Divine Wow (formerly known as "God"). Whether I "believe" in my Dear Companion is irrelevant -- just as I don't need to "believe" in a juicy Fuji apple while I'm eating it. That's why atheists seem to me like goofy kooks, as fundamentalist in their own way as evangelical Christians. They have absolute, unshakable faith that there's no such thing as our Big Wild Friend. Agnostics I can understand better; they're like pre-orgasmic virgins who are at least open to the possibility of getting the full treatment. I offer these comments as a prelude to my prediction for you, Sagittarius, which is that you will soon have a very good chance to get up-close and personal with the Divine Wow. (If that offends you because you're an atheist, no worry. Nothing bad will happen if you turn down the invitation.)  

I want a pair of "baby legs"....for adults of course. babylegs.com

Maybe a black onesie to go with.

“I can’t tell if she’s actually real, or if she’s stopped caring if she’s real or not. Or is not caring what makes a person real?”
-Jennifer Egan (A Visit From the Goon Squad)

Some mornings the sun looks wrong outside my window.

“The answers were maddeningly absent—it was like trying to remember a song that you knew made you feel a certain way, without a title, artist, or even a few bars to bring it back.”
-Jennifer Egan (A Visit From the Goon Squad)

“The dirt you and I could share forever would grow a tree so high it’d kiss a star, each leaf a promise, each stem a new beginning.” -I wrote this for you

My 2^nd favorite part of Arizona- the effervescent smell of boiling sewer.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I took a group of students to Disneyland with two co-workers. There was a sparring match between two giants. I was touring apartments, and found one with yellow and red walls, a projector, and some door art that looked like a Banksy piece. I also took a trip down a very long tunnel slide. It was in a mansion that someone rented at Disneyland.

Seeing the color red in your dream often represents one's basic emotions, earthy nature, and sexuality. When seen in a decorative sense, red signifies richness and comfort.
Yellow symbolizes lightness of feeling; intellect; extroversion, cowardice; intuition; hopefulness for the future. 

Oh, and at Barnes the other day, I found a book called "Build Your Own Dream Tree house". I think it is a sign.

Nothing is faster than the speed of thought.

Everyone edits themselves here, and it makes me wonder whether you’re ever actually connected to real people, or just the people they all wish they were.

Last night I had a dream in which I was watching a slide show of my life; however, the  pictures in the slide show were ones that I have never taken, and encompassed things I have never done. I also watched a "cheerleading" exhibition. But it resembled more of a circus performance...

Speaking of which, I think being a circus performer would be an ideal job. You would get to travel, perform, wear cool costumes, and play with elephants. What's not to love about that?
I think it may be my new calling in life. But I'm probably getting a bit old for it...so I better act fast.

In my resume I would include the following qualitifcations:
1) Loves tents
2) Is an animal whisperer
3) Flexible (or use to be, but I could get is back, I swear)
4) Likes to play with fire in controlled environments
5) Has a passion for wearing onesies

I have always been fascinated by the story of Pandora's Box...which is why the new piece of art (rookie art) that I am working on is themed around this story:

"In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope."

"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for."

Some days my middle finger feels like answering questions.

"Each person who ever was or is or will be has a song. It isn't a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, it has its own words. Very few people get to sing their song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest, or too odd. So people live their song instead."
-Neil Gaiman

Please words. I need you now. I need you to tell the truth. To say things as they are. Don't be words that I say too fast, words that I have to defend. Please don't listen to me when I tell you to do the wrong things, be the words you were meant to be. Be honor and fire place and cellar door. Be slow and sunrise and sunset. No words more than needed, just enough to say what I mean and mean what I say.

I need to spend more time being in awe.
Maybe then, I would have taken less of this for granted.

Simple things that make me smile:
1. Finally laughing after trying so hard to hold it in.
2. Intentionally mismatched socks.
3. The smell of books.
4. A scent that reminds me of a great memory.
5. The first signs of fall.
6. Unexpected text messages.
7. The first step into a hot bath.
8. Songs that match my mood.
9. Falling asleep instantly.
10. The unexpected.

The heat is making me miss the cold sooo much. I'd give anything for snow right now. And this:

"Our eyelashes brushed like they would weave together by themselves, turning us into one wild thing. I say, “I think I missed you before I met you even."
-Francesca Lia Block

I want to get a bow tattoo behind my left ear...something like this...I don't think I would want the ribbon that long.....

I'll think about this one for awhile. It's a little girly for me.

If there is something you want to say to me, then just say it. You'll never have a less threatening audience.


Show me the world that's inside your head. Mine may, or may not look like this:

Because these are awesome:

I admire people who can just say whats on their mind with no reservations. I've always wanted to be a little more like that. I avoid conflict at all costs. But I think it would be very liberating to just tell someone to "fuck off". Just once. Some days my middle finger feels like answering questions. But it does not. I don't like to hurt other peoples feelings, even if this means sacrificing my own. I am trying to get better at this...not to the extreme, just better. I also have a fear that what I have to say may be misinterpreted. I suppose the words always come in time.

I finished reading book #3 of the summer. "This is Where I Leave You" by Jonathan Tropper.

I need to live somewhere cooler, so I can read and wear socks like these:

There are some things that I'll never understand. I'll never understand the goosebumps I get when first stepping into hot water. I'll never understand the dreams I have with strangers in them, people I've never met or seen. I'll never understand how a person can keep going back to the ones who hurt them. But what I do understand is that once we actually understand everything, the world loses its shine.



Secret #216- I have a soft spot for "Gossip Girl". It's the fashion, I swear. I think it is because of her:

Time for homework. Priorities.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."

I hate how my mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

"The difference between how you look and how you see yourself is enough to kill most people. And maybe the reason vampires don’t die is because they can never see themselves in photographs or mirrors."
—Chuck Palahuniuk 

She was a girl that spoke her mind, never played games and acted confident when she could barely stand looking in the mirror. She didn't gloat of her achievements, or tell of them even though she had made many. She lived in mistakes, in past regrets, and she's just beginning to realize that sometimes, you can't change things. That you can't go back in the past and sometimes, you just have to move on because life's too short to dwell on the unchangeable.

This is how I felt Saturday morning:

To my surprise I did not vomit. But I did have a splitting headache. Go figure.

Over thinking ruins everything.

She stole my look:

Questions I often ask myself:
1. If magic can regrow bones and fix teeth, why can’t it correct vision?
2. If I had to choose a TV show that most applied to my life, which one would it be?
3. Do I see myself the way other people see me?
4. Can you cry underwater?
5. If mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?
6. Why do I continually return to the refrigerator in hopes that something new has materialized?
7. If the plural of tooth is "teeth", why isn't the plural of booth, "beeth"?

Why am I awake at 6:30am on a Sunday morning? Oh, because I went to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night.

Camping would be so much better in a tent like this:

I wish I could say that I am surprised that Amy Whinehouse was found dead in her apartment.

Authenticity is key.

I'm living in separate universes and I have no idea where I actually belong.

She’s been everybody else’s girl maybe one day she’ll be her own.
Another annoyance in life is girls with low self-esteem. I can let it slide if you are 11-16, because you are probably kind of ugly at this point in time (well, i was.) and you are just constantly thinking stupid, selfish, unnecessarily dramatic things about every aspect of your life. So go ahead, hate the way you look. You will realize how dumb you were during this age eventually. As a general rule, however, I feel like it's sort of disrespectful to constantly nitpick your appearance when you are anatomically normal and your body performs all of its required functions with ease. Because there are people who are less fortunate and have, like, five faces with no eyes or mermaid legs. Those afflictions, my friends, are things you can legitimately feel bad about.

Women who get down on themselves for not looking as good as a Victoria's Secret model when clothed only in underwear should consider the following:

1) Those women have been genetically blessed to be more attractive than everybody else. that is why they are paid millions of dollars for hanging out in their bras.

2) They photoshop those pictures, anyway. and while I'm sure that Giselle Bundchen looks pretty good naked in real life, she probably looks even better after those photos are edited.

3) Those girls probably never get to eat carbs and have to exercise all the time. That sounds like such a fucking drag. I would say that if you are eating pasta and are not on a grueling workout schedule, you don't really have a right to complain about not having the trimmest of physiques. Am I rite?
And of course, at times, I too am guilty of this. It's the human condition.

And this leads me to another question that I think a lot about. Do people see me, the way I see me? Illusory Superiority:

"Illusory superiority is a cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and abilities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others. This is evident in a variety of areas including intelligence, performance on tasks or tests, and the possession of desirable characteristics or personality traits. It is one of many positive illusions relating to the self, and is a phenomenon studied in social psychology. Illusory superiority is often referred to as the above average effect."

I understand that this is most likely a human defense mechanism. Afterall, who is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? But it also makes me wonder if this is what I need to remind myself of when Im at the mall and say, "what the hell was she thinking when she walked out of the house like that?". Perhaps she or he, saw something other than what I see. This also scares me, and reminds me, that people may look at me and say the exact same thing.

I will conceitedly admit that I have often thought of myself as "above average". I'm not sure how I came to this conclusion, except that maybe I have taken other people's compliments a little too seriously.I know I have my flaws, for sure, but when I measure them according to the flaws of others (bitch I know), I somehow feel like I have less. But maybe me judging myself in relationship to other people shows that I actually do not consider myself above average.

It's just that at times, especially by the pool, or in other locations where women are scantily clad, I try to find the girl who may or may not look the most like me. Or I try to assess what others may see when they look at me. It's weird.  But Im human, and I just want to know what other people truly see when they look at me.

I have been told I look like the following people:

 Demi Lovato: I can see the resemblance in the chimple and the dark hair....

And Vanessa Hudgens....Again, dark hair...round face. Thats.about.it.

Someone also told me once that I looked like Snooki. Ummm....I hope not.

Ivillage facial recognition says that I look like Beyonce...or that we have similar facial structures. Which may mean one of two things. 1) I am biracial (which would be cool) or 2) I tan too much.

So, the question remains valid. How do other people see us?

Last night I really wished it was raining. I wanted to drink hot chocolate and have a slice of warm pie. Any kind would do.

"I believe in low lights and trick mirrors."
- Andy Warhol

On to more awesome things, yesterday was National Hotdog Day!

Something I dont understand is this: at 26, why am I still having break outs?

"To know one’s own state is not a simple matter. One cannot look directly at one’s own face with one’s own eyes, for example. One has no choice but to look at one’s reflection in the mirror. Through experience, we come to believe that the image is correct, but that is all."
—Haruki Mirakami

It's amazing how fast life passes and changes. There are many memories I miss. Mostly from my girls, because I really dont have any girlfriends anymore. Here were some goodtimes:

 

I had a dream last night that Sonja (far left) was beginning her own reality television show.

Jennifer is married. Kim is married and prego.

And he was just on "Americas Got Talent".

Something happened and we all grew up.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted.
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that loving doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is to uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure.


"He wanted to live life in such a way that if a photograph were taken at random, it would be a cool photograph."
-David Nichols (One Day)


 I want to spend Sunday like this:

Somethings are safer in the security of silence.

She's not like that now. She knows better. She knows now that people lie and promises can be broken as quick as they are made. She understands that she might never be loved and too quickly, good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them. She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then, it'll just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for a while, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's your best. You can't always expect people to care.  You can't change your own fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is and when it happens, It'll hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words "life" and "risk" won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff  like that is meant to happen. Over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you, and that happens cause that's the way its suppose to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter.
~
Someone needs to be my personal trainer. I need to be held accountable.
~
Talk – Action = Shit
~
Recently I realized that I waste a great deal of my time on the internet ... and then published this insight in this note, when I should have been doing homework.
~
If you can't solve it, it's not a problem, it's reality.
~
Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.
~
Do you stare for hours every day into little screens like those on smart phones, computer monitors, and TVs? If so, I recommend that you tear your gaze away from them more than usual in the coming week. A change in your brain chemistry needs to happen, and one good way to accomplish it will be to feast your eyes on vast panoramas and expansive natural scenes. Doing so will invigorate your thinking about the design and contours of your own destiny, and that would be in sweet alignment with the astrological omens. So catch regular views of the big picture, Sagittarius. Treat clouds and birds and stars as if they were restorative messages from the wide-open future. Gaze lovingly at the big sky.
~
Riding off into the sunset would be nice, but reading i-spy books with you seems so much better.
~
Imagine, it's 30 years from now. You're looking back at the history of your relationship with desire. There was a certain watershed moment when you clearly saw that some of your desires were mediocre, inferior, and wasteful, while others were pure, righteous, and invigorating. Beginning then, you made it a life goal to purge the former and cultivate the latter. Thereafter, you occasionally wandered down dead ends trying to gratify yearnings that weren't worthy of you, but usually you wielded your passions with discrimination, dedicating them to serve the highest and most interesting good.
~

What are your strengths?
I am really good at repressing.
~
Not just because the words remain unwilling but because some things remain safer in the security of silence.

I feel moments away from coming apart in a very real and permanent way.

Anatidaephobia is actually the fear that you are being watched by a duck.
~
 I haven’t been remembering my dreams lately.
~
http://hoetip.tumblr.com/
~
Saying something and then repeating it won't necessarily make what you said any more profound.
~
I just wrote like three other paragraphs and then deemed them all unworthy of publication. You gotta love being in charge of what you put out to the world and what you keep inside.
~
What is the next step?
~
They say that the truth is like a match, it brings the light... or it can set your whole world on fire.
~
Some of the best things in the world, in my opinion… which matters.
1. Falling asleep to the sound of rain
2. Going back to sleep when you’ve called out
3. Nights you barely remember
4. The feeling of being fresh out of the shower
5. The smell of coffee
6. Walking around barefoot
7. Finding money you forgot you had when doing laundry
8. New plans
9. Eating the last bite of peanut butter
10. Completing a video game level you have been trying forever to beat
~
One day, I sat across from an old couple on the bus. When we arrived, the driver announced over the loudspeaker to make sure we had all our valuables with us when we stepped off. The old man took his wife's arm and said, "I got it all!" Men who are still sweet to their wives after so long gives me hope.
~
The questions are endless, and with each one I feel a little bit crazier, and experience a mild sense of relief.
~
I hate when someone starts telling you something, and then says "nevermind". And when people say "sup?". It's like "bro", and I have a feeling people who use one of those words also use the other.
Pseudo intellectuals also piss me off.
Also annoying: “If you don’t reblog this, you don’t have a heart” posts.
Oh, and burning the roof of my mouth...I hate that.
~
Things I love: The feeling in summer where you don't know what day of the week it is, but it doesn't matter.
~
“You can sit up here, feeling above it all while knowing you’re not, coming to the lonely conclusion that the only thing you can ever really know about anyone is that you don’t know anything about them at all.” –Jonathan Tropper
~
Usually I can fix my mind on something I consider sort of worthwhile; for example: castles of the world, social psychology, gnome classification, reading lists, the chaos theory, and I know a great deal about rabbits.
~
"Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most."
~
Pool time!

Recent revelations and lifestyle changes.

"I'm not the same person I was. I'm fucked up." I give her a sideways glance. "I am," she says. "You haven't even scratched the surface."

"I find that most people worth knowing are fucked up in some way or another."
— Jonathan Tropper
~

A promise of nothing
But the pursuit
Of everything.
~
You know what I love? People that are strong enough to say what they are thinking even if the rest of the world thinks it is stupid or ridiculous. It is real. It takes courage to say, "I love you", quote the bible, swear on your own life, or admit a mistake. It takes backbone to live the life you want, and when you do, the rest of the world looks upon you with a pinch of jealously and a smile of respect.
~

"Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer--it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced."
— Markus Zusak (The Book Thief)
~
When did words become so empty? They hold so much power. The power to freedom. Love. Peace of mind. I know I have had moments where I begin spitting out words and then suddenly realize they are untrue. I am sure we all have at times, but why do we correct it sometimes and not others? The truth might sting at first, but it is the most liberating gift one person can give another. I admit, certain situations are so irrelevant that there is no point in saying anything at all, but usually, communication is the answer. Is it because words hold so much power that we have become afraid of them? So we remain silent. Maybe it is not words, but truth?
~
Meet me in the middle of nowhere with 3 board games and a bottle of wine. Or two. Definitely in the early fall. I want to run around in farm fields and dance to my own music. There would be fruit and Sunchips until the stars came out. Quite a day. There would be a moment...and just like every day, and all good things, it will come to an end.
~

"We all start out so damn sure, thinking we've got the world on a string. If we ever stopped to think about the infinite number of ways we could be undone, we'd never leave our bedrooms."
— Jonathan Tropper (This Is Where I Leave You)
~
My most recent revelations:

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
3. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was little.
5. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
6. I dislike when people ask, "are you having fun yet?" in situations when you are clearly nowhere close to having a good time.
7. People no longer need to download porn. Just get a subscription to direct TV. Specifically Showtime. And if you’re into lesbians, watch the L word.
8. I find it rather inconsiderate that the weather doesn’t realize that I have recently acquired several cardigans/jacket-type items that cannot be worn at such high temperatures.
9. www.brotipshq.com/archive
10. I would make a much better travel show host than Samantha Brown. Passport to (whatever the season's theme is) with Kristen Cler. Sounds like an improvement from the original, right?

On a more positive note, Im going to be an Aunt again! And this time I’m getting a niece! I can’t wait to send ruffles and bows. Zoe and Nick…be prepared.
~

"I loved her for so long. Our past trails behind us like a comet's tail, the future stretched out before us like the universe."
— Jonathan Tropper (This Is Where I Leave You)
~
I have committed to spending some of my time over the next three weeks to working out. I don't really have major complaints about my body's appearance and am actually pretty grateful for what I have. But I have expectations that if I run around my neighborhood listening to Beyonce on a regular basis, my ass will look more like hers. The probability of this is very slim. And let me tell you something, I have never understood the appeal of strenuous exercise; it feels like dying. People who say they enjoy it are liars. These are delusions they feed themselves to keep them motivated during their quest for fitness. Even Beyonce says she hates exercising and only does it to stay hot.
~
Maybe someday I will find a form of aerobic exercise I find fun. until that day, it is too hot outside for me to go running until after it's dark out, and by that time I would really rather just retire to watching other people lose weight on quality television programming.
~
I will give exercise one credit ; it does give me more energy, and mental clarity. And that’s why I’ve made the commitment to improving my lifestyle. Because I could use the mental stability and I like to eat donuts. Increase my inspiration, and my swag.
~

"It brewed in her as she eyed the pages full to the brims of their bellies with paragraphs and words.
You bastards, she thought.
You lovely bastards.
Don’t make me happy. Please, don’t fill me up and let me think that something good can come of any of this."
— Markus Zusak (The Book Thief)

Pretentious- making claim to or creating an appearance of (often undeserved) importance or distinction

"People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined and speed-limited and zoned and taxed and regulated, with everyone tested and registered and addressed and recorded. Nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. on a roller coaster. At a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren't going to eat the kids. The test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. And because there's no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we're left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention.

The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom.

Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Asfixia)
~
I love this website: www.shelterness.com
~
Something I despise more than almost anything is pretentiousness. there are lots of things and people i would classify as "pretentious," but I don't really have time for that.
~
I know that there will always be people with objectionable qualities among the general public, and my fuming about it will not make them go away. I know this. Really, the ultimate obstacle in not being mean is the ability to not chime in when someone else opens the flood gates for the sizing up of others, especially when the potential for unfavorable comments about the given topic are aplenty. I have been working hard to not be so critical of others. To practice what I preach. Except for celebrities. Celebrities always have and always will be fair game…and maybe douchebags too….baby steps.
~
I know that this behind-the-back spouting of negativity is entirely futile, and it must come to an end. If you want to wear inappropriate clothing for your body type or lie compulsively or whatever, that is totally your prerogative, as Bobby Brown and Britney Spears would say. And it is not, contrary to intuitive reflex, my place to undermine anyone's choices or experiences. I don't even know why I think I am so qualified for this position in the first place.
~

"I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like."
— Jess C. Scott
~
Things I should do with my three weeks off: read more, paint, get my yearly physical so the doctor’s office will stop calling me, Finish the seasons of Sopranos, start planning for the year. And work out.
~
Keep in mind as you wander in the limbo between the end of one chapter of your life story and the beginning of the next chapter, it really helps to stay conscious of how blessed you are.
~
I have already started shopping for winter clothes. I love winter and fall for many many many reasons, but for now I will only reference one. I can wear layers, multiple. It makes me feel cozy, which I love.  I am too anxious for it NOT to be 130 degrees outside. I am tired of sweating.
~
Carmageddon- A state of extreme traffic backup where one becomes so frustrated they feel the world is collapsing around them.
~
This is crazy: www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/21-amazing-examples-of-shadow-art
~
"Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"
–Christopher Moore

I never claimed to be perfect.

“It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together … and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home. .. only to no home I’d ever known … I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like … magic.”
—Tom Hanks (Sleepless in Seattle)
~
Yesterday was a productive day. I love when I can say that.
~
I admire people who have the strength to be exactly who they are without placing judgment upon others. I try to be more like this. For example, when I catch myself judging Scottsdale Douches and Douchettes by how tight their shirts are, the size of their boobs, and how many times they say “bro”, I try to mentally check myself and remember that it is them and not me. The issue is believing yourself to be superior because of these things. Because quality as a human being is not determined by how deep your v-neck is, how big your boobs are, what kind of car you drive, or how many times you catch a grenade.  Everyone is entitled to personal preference. This is America. You can like what you like, but you don't have to be an asshole about it.
~
Grenade-
The solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties. If the grenade doesn't get any action, then neither does anyone else.

Calling people grenades probably makes me an asshole. I never claimed to be perfect.

For the past few years, I have consistently felt like I was growing into more of a person I could be comfortable with. Because for the majority of the time I spent attending Colony middle and high schools, someone -- humility, first of all -- should have delivered me a punch in the face. Although I am now far less social and drunk, I am also less of a shitbag.

I want to live HERE: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2nEZ6d/www.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/%253Fp%253D4142

I have a personality defect that causes me to become rather obsessive about things that I like. Right now it’s Australian bands. I believe them to be superior to anything that has come out of the U.S. in a long time. This of course excludes my favorite U.S. bands.

There is a person in popular U.S. and I suppose now international culture who I’ve been thinking about quite often because I find his prominence and influence to be somewhat puzzling. His name is t-pain. Of course that's not his real name, which is faheem rasheed najm, which is of Islamic origin because t-pain is Muslim. Which is kind of funny, even though it probably shouldn't be.

But t-pain's faith is not what brings me here today.

First of all, I am very impressed by this man's ability to have completely infiltrated the rap and r&b market without anybody caring that he is really quite limited in his talents (as with the majority of rappers in the music scene these days). Every song he is involved with sounds exactly the same, and in my conservative estimations, he has collaborated with every artist who has been on BET at any time within the last two years. I am sure he is paid a large sum of money for his work and know he is very prolific. I would say that he could very comfortably retire right now, at the age of 23- and I politely request that he consider this plan of action. And here is why:

Because I think t-pain has reached the maximum number of auto-tuned songs about drinking and fucking girls (who may or may not be strippers) in or around cars or after telling them about your car, anyone should produce within a lifetime. No joke. And he has only been doing this professionally for a few years. What's even stranger about t-pain's appeal is that I kind of doubt any of his lyrical content is based in fact.

I kind of have a hard time believing women are dying to rip their panties off for this man, if you see what I'm getting at. (that's subtle for, "t-pain is unattractive.") Which in a way, makes me even more impressed that he has been able to make such a successful living by singing songs about scoring all of these shawties, if you will. This is why I feel like "chopped and screwed" is the only song based on his personal experiences. I totally believe that he has been led on by ladies aplenty who just wanted him to buy them drinks but did not want to go back to the crib to get down to business. Or he has scored grenades galore.
~
And this leads me to my next thought: lyrics are important. I am a lyric slut. I must know what a singer is spewing before I can properly decide whether or not I like the song. I want lyrics that are somewhat interpretable, because I want to interpret them in a way that benefits me the most, kind of like the way in which people interpret the Bible. That is not to say that simple lyrics aren’t good too sometimes, I appreciate simplicity. However, “up in da club” and “you’re a dime” do not fall in the category of simple, they fall in the class between stupid and absurd. And when I speak critically of modern rap music, please remember, I am not referring to hip hop, which is in its own caste of awesome.

And here I am spewing my opinion, and obviously making judgments. But if you are a fan of t-pain and ridiculous rap ramblings, I’m not judging you, just the music, I’m going to assume you haven’t found anything better yet. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.


Words poured from my fingertips like ink on black keys
Slippery promises of a love
Held tightly.
Laced and bound to fingers and feet.
~
"It has been said that we need just three things in life: Something to do, something to look forward to, and someone to love."

Open ended questions and insecure ideals.

"I started inventing things, and then I couldn't stop, like beavers, which I know about. People think they cut down trees so they can build dams, but in reality it's because their teeth never stop growing, and if they didn't constantly file them down by cutting through all of those trees, their teeth would start to grow into their own faces, which would kill them. That's how my brain was."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

I think I have discovered a new mental condition which sets in when one is approximately twenty five years old and leads its victim to take great joy in events and activities revered by the elderly (early bird specials, knitting, going to bed at 9 o'clock, grandma sweaters, scrapbooking, so and so forth). About a year into the onset of the condition, physical manifestations of being elderly start to develop. These symptoms include: forgetfulness, exhaustion and waking up at 2:30 AM to go pee.

Open ended questions and insecure ideals

I love paper: http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/paper-art



"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
— Neil Gaiman

I am truly turning into a dude. Yesterday, instead of attending class like a responsible adult, I walked around the mall for five hours. True story. Back to my point. There is an abundance of boobs in Scottsdale. I was walking out of one store, when a woman was entering, she was just tall enough (which really isn’t that tall) for her boobs to be in.my.face. as she entered. No joke, upon seeing these spilling specimens my mind responded “BOOBS”. Not in a way to frighten me into thinking that the “L Word” has influenced my sexual preference, but in the way a douchey simple minded man might be stunned by such jugs.


Also, I have something else to say about douchey dudes. It is not smooth to call a woman at a gas station “Lil Mama” and then proceed to invite her to a “Tattooing party”. But as bad as that is, it doesn’t stop there. You should neither suggest that she get your name tattooed on her arm, or suggest that it be inked in all caps. Do guys really think that shit works?

 I enjoy being a girl.

Except for when my uterus feels like it's trying to separate itself from my body.

‘"It is not always needful for truth to take a definite shape," wrote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. "It is enough if it hovers about us like a spirit and produces harmony; if it is wafted through the air like the sound of a bell, grave and kindly." With this quote, I'm alerting you to the fact that a new truth is now floating into your world, Sagittarius. It'll be misty and sparkly, yet somehow also decisive and lucid. It will comfort you and yours, but also be a bit shocking. It will be sharply tonic, like good, strong medicine that has a pungent yet oddly delicious flavor you've never tasted before.”

I assure you, internet, when the stars align for me, and I figure out what to do with myself (in various capacities) it will be infinitely sweeter than if I had known right off the bat. I mean, I wouldn't want to peak too soon, anyway. That's boring.

“For your edification and amusement, we will add three corollaries to Andretti's wisdom: 1. If you're not pretty much always half-confused, most likely you're not thinking deeply enough. 2. If you're not feeling forever amazed, maybe you're not seeing wildly enough. 3. The truth is fluid, slippery, vagrant, scrambled, promiscuous, kaleidoscopic, and outrageously abundant.”

I need to do laundry, it just seems to be such an extensive process for me. My room closet contains piles of clothes that are dirty and clean. In the morning when I fight with my clothes, sometimes clean clothes get thrown amongst the masses, waiting to be re-hung once discovered. I know what you're thinking, "why don't you just put clean clothes back into your closet instead of misplacing them into the hamper?" I have thought about this too. I am trying to visualize myself doing this right now, and it just feels so unnatural. Like I would lose so much time in my everyday life just sorting and hanging up clothes. Sure, it might simplify the process on the day I run out clean underwear, but I would experience a small dose of the irritability I feel on laundry day on a daily basis. And I can't have every one of my precious days be affected in this way. I just can't.
~
So at school today I began thinking about how scared I was to get in trouble when I was younger. I remember spending the nights at Robin’s house and getting into all sorts of mischief that I would have otherwise never done. Like I posted in a previous note, this was the first time I peed standing up. This was also the first time and only time I jumped out of a window onto a mattress, saw how one grows weed, and egged a house. Robin and I decided to egg a house of a former friend who lived right across the street. We dressed up like ninjas, naturally, and proceeded to recon through the woods, rolling under fences, and laying in ditches. But when the time came to throw the first egg, we got scared. So instead of throwing the eggs, we walked up to the house and smashed it against the wood, because we needed to make sure the noise it would make would not be too loud. I think we smashed three eggs before we started to throw them. Good times.
~

"Roller Boogie is a relic from - when else? - the '70s. This is a tape I made for the eight-grade dance. The tape still plays, even if the cogs are a little creaky and the sound quality is dismal. It's a ninety-minute TDK Compact Cassette, and like everything else made in the '70s, it's beige. It takes me back to the fall of 1979, when I was a shy, spastic, corduroy-clad Catholic kid from the suburbs of Boston, grief-stricken over the '78 Red Sox. The words "douche" and "bag" have never coupled as passionately as they did in the person of my thirteen-year-old self. My body, my brain, my elbows that stuck out like switchblades, my feet that got tangled in my bike spokes, but most of all my soul - these formed the waterbed where douchitude and bagness made love sweet love with all the feral intensity of Burt Reynolds and Rachel Ward in Sharkey's Machine."
— Rob Sheffield (Love Is a Mix Tape)
~
I often wonder what it is you see in front of you most days--and what continually draws you back in.
~
I love surprises. I love watching people open gifts, read intense articles, find out secrets, or take risks. You learn a lot about a person when you watch them. It's interesting to listen, but sometimes it takes a silent moment to really understand.
~

“Somehow, through a flip of the coin, I ended up here. Feeling like somebody at the top of the heart-lung transplant recipient list. Damaged but invigorated and fucking lucky."
— Augusten Burroughs

Prolapse awareness and shockingly low intelligence.

"For indeed my life is a perpetual question mark--my thirst for books, my observations of people, all tend to satisfy a great, overwhelming desire to know, to understand, to find an answer to a million questions. And gradually the answers are revealed, many things are explained, and above all, many things are given names and described, and my restlessness is subdued. Then I become and exclamatory person, clapping my hands to the immense surprises the world holds for me, and falling from one ecstasy into another. I have the habit of peeping and prying and listening and seeking--passionate curiosity and expectation. But I have also the habit of being surprised, the habit of being filled with wonder and satisfaction each time I stumble on some wondrous thing.”
— Anaïs Nin
~
In light of my commitment to being productive I have made the following list of goals:

1. Take a cooking class
2. Clean out my closet
3. Start eating breakfast
4. Workout at least 3 times a week
5. Finish my painting
6. Use my passport before it expires in 2013
7. Complete my observation hours/ log my observation hours
8. Register for the AEPA professional knowledge exam
9. Start writing in my journal more
10. Finish all the books I’ve started
11. Schedule an appointment with my therapist

Let me make it clear, I do not want to give up the internet. But I definitely think the internet has caused some damage to society or at least my faith in it. If you ever needed reassurance that much of the population is of shockingly low intelligence, visit yahoo answers or read the user comments on news articles. It's depressing.
~
But here's what I don't: all of these sites -- myspace, facebook, twitter... are so self-indulgent. Once again, I recognize that I am writing a note, on facebook, and I am a self-absorbed asshole myself. This is essentially the whole core of my internal dialogue. But have we, as humans, always been this voyeuristic and eager to portray ourselves for others? Maybe we’ve just been waiting for the appropriate medium to enable us?
~
This is not to say that there are not very beneficial aspects of the internet. I whole heartedly agree it makes life easier. Additionally, social networking sites add light and joy to my life. For example, thanks to facebook I will never have to attend my high school reunion. Which is especially valuable in two ways 1) I won’t have to buy an overly priced plane ticket to know what my peers have been up to. 2) I won’t experience the inner turmoil of even beginning to care what my old gang thinks of me.
~
Back to the bad stuff. We, myself included, experience a compulsion to check and update our profiles frequently. I can’t even begin to say how many times I have seen two people on their phones during a dinner instead of conversing with one another. It’s truly sad, and I’m truly at fault too.
~

"Such movies are always a danger...falling in love is something most adults have actually experienced...The theme is universal and encourages...unhealthy comparisons...why can't our lives be like that? It's a box left unopened, and its avoidance explains the continued popularity of vampire epics and martial-arts extravaganzas."
— David Sedaris
~
T-Pain: enough is enough. Please stop making music. I will buy you a drank.
~
I  recently became aware of a bodily phenomenon known as a "prolapse," which is best described as an event where certain organs that should remain on the inside of your body, fall out of place and then suddenly become visible to outside viewers. I think the most terrifying and well-known kinds of prolapses are those of the anus and uterus. YOUR ASSHOLE AND VAGINA , ladies, CAN TURN THEMSELVES INSIDE OUT. This may sound funny until you do like I do and google pictures. If you haven’t had a recent gag reflex, this is the most educational way I can think of to encourage one. Not that Im sure why I would want to encourage a gag reflex…but just to make sure it’s still working.
~
I think we need to invest more in increasing prolapse awareness and how to prevent it. Because no one should ever have to see, let alone experience something so incredibly revolting.
~
But thanks to the internet, we can educate ourselves.
~
The Temptations, Al Green, Lou Rawls…what happened to great soul music. Music with emotion rather than smut?
~
I also forgot how much I loved Beirut. “Postcards from Italy”/ “Elephant Gun”/ “A Sunday Smile”/ “Nantes”: I missed you. Who doesn’t love an accordion? AND a Ukulele?
~
I want a book nook.
~
“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding… We get one story, you and I, and one story alone.”
-Donald Miller
~
That is all. Space beckons.

I'm no dummy.

"It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it."
— Anaïs Nin
~
But always there’s an inner tension; a kind of bewilderment. Where am I going? What am I doing?
~
Part of you arrives from gut instinct, the other part is acculturated.
~
Bronies:
The male, older fans of my little pony: friendship is magic.

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the object it loves". ~ Carl Jung

I want to learn a second language. It is one of my near future goals. I need more of those.

Remember: friends don't let friends pop their collar.

A language dies every two weeks. Of the seven thousand languages spoken in the world today, linguists claim half are in danger of extinction and likely to disappear in this century. Sad but true.

The original Monopoly Game, was called “Landlord’s Game” and was intended as a critique of capitalism.

I am so happy I have been exposed to Girl Talk. Ecstatic. Who knew it was possible to sample both Neutral Milk Hotel and that song that goes, "I need a dime that's top of the line. Cute face, little waist and a big behind" within seconds of each other and make it sound f’ing awesome? Greg Gillis did. Or, who would dare to couple someone rapping about "Getting Some Head" with Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U?" I think you know the answer. I can now die peacefully knowing that absurd rap songs were created for a greater purpose.

"...and the sweetest softest hands, and we'll blow away forever soon, and go off to different lands. And please do not ever look for me, but with me you will stay, and you will hear yourself in song, blowing by one day. But now hold me like a baby, that will not fall asleep, Curl me up inside you and let me hear you through the heat" -Gypsy (Suzanne Vega)
~
To understand is to be patient.
~
To read, to listen to music. To write. Obscurity, instead of being a hindrance, intrigues me. Challenges me.
~
http://www.honestlywtf.com/
~
I think I need something with fewer layers of meaning, like Real Housewives or Sixteen and Pregnant.
I am ashamed to admit that on two or three occasions I watched “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, which is definitely not the Alaska I grew up in. Or it is, but it isn’t.
~
All time favorite cereals: Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Puffs, Honey Nut Cheerios.


“You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you're not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn't a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now."
— Anaïs Nin
~
I love Zia.
~
I have walked into a glass door before. I am the type of girl to say sorry after walking into a chair. It takes talent to trip up stairs, I am talented. When I run with scissors, I feel dangerous.
~
Things I am not proud of: throwing scissors at my sister and hitting her in the face, peeing in the hallway of the Days Inn, using sparknotes.com to complete all my high school English homework, using my sister’s papers to help get me through college, lying to myself, taking the rain for granted, attempting to watch the “dirty” channels even through the fuzz.
~

"Somewhere, far down, there was an itch in his heart, but he made it a point not to scratch it. He was afraid of what might come leaking out."
— Markus Zusak (The Book Thief)
~
I have a lot of internal dialogue. Typically over lots of unimportant things. One recurring topic is how much I love and hate the internet.
~
Im going to be 27 in less than five months. I need to get some shit done in this decade. Winning the lottery, for example, is at the top of my list.
~
And I need to change the way I eat. I must. Despite my unapologetic love for these substances of questionable nutritional value, I fear that someday in the foreseeable future this will all catch up with me and I will not only be large and in charge, but plagued by various health issues. I'm no dummy. I am always aware that when I am eating potato chips and donuts, I am not really receiving any nutritional benefits, but I just can’t help myself. Just like Amy Winehouse can't really help it that she is addicted to crack. But I am going to make a conscious effort. I don’t want to look back at pictures ten years from now and wonder “How did I end up like this?”
 ~
‘”What is love? Great minds have been grappling  with this question through the ages, and in the modern era, they have come up with many different answers. According to Western Philosopher Pat Benatar, love is a battlefield. Her paisan Frank Sinatra would add that love is a tender trap. The stoner kids who spent the summer of 1978 looking cool on the hoods of their Trans Ams in the Pierce Elementary School parking lot used to scare us little kids by blasting “Love is Like Oxygen”—you get too much, you get too high, not enough and you’re gonna die. Love hurts. Love stinks. Love bites, love bleeds, love is the drug. The troubadours of our times all agree: They want to know what love is, and they want you to show them….But the answer is simple. Love is a mix tape.” –Rob Sheffield
~
I hope it rains all night.