Your sword is no match for my sock puppet.

"Having spare rice cakes on hand has saved my life in numerous instances, the most recent case involved a gerbil, a manic clown, and one of the puppets from Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride. It was a close call." –Mark Sheldon

Horoscope for the week of September 29^th-

According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it's high time for you to receive a flood of presents, compliments, rewards, and blessings. You got a problem with that? I hope not. I hope you are at peace with the fact that you deserve more than your usual share of recognition, appreciation, flirtations, and shortcuts. Please, Sagittarius? Please don't let your chronic struggles or your cynical views of the state of the world blind you to the sudden, massive influx of luck. Pretty please open your tough heart and skeptical mind to the bounty that the universe is aching to send your way.

I have absolutely no problem with that.

Things that make me happy:
-licking batter off wire beaters
-the crunch of snow
-grilled cheese and tomato soup
-Christmas cookies
-Heads up pennies

"The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty becomes sluggish. Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were too much afraid, and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to."
- Oscar Wilde

After spending an abundance of time in the hospital this week I have come to the following conclusion:

Hospital bathrooms are gross. To the common eye they appear to be in pristine condition. But I know the floors are covered in urine and other bodily fluids. How do I know that? From experience, duh. There just happened to be an incident last year where the doctor needed to collect a sample of my pee pee. After taking the cup into the bathroom and proceeding to urinate in it, an unfortunate accident happened. I dropped the cup. Consequently I spilled the specimen all over the bathroom floor (which would happen to me). I attempted to clean up the mess myself, but anyone who has ever cleaned up anything (especially body fluid) knows that it is essential that one have proper cleaning supplies. So basically I just rubbed my urine into the floor. And then I had to wait a little while, because I had no remainder of liquid left in my bladder.

I was also extremely tempted to pull the “please pull for help” string, located in the Emergency Room bathrooms.

Doctor: “Have you ever done flow to Pitbull? There is nothing else like it; it is just awesome.”

That’s impossible.

At times like these, I thought, it was probably a good idea to carry a small hand puppet.

“When did figuring out what makes you happy become work? How had I let myself get to this point, where I had to learn me..? It was embarrassing. In my college psychology class, I had studied theories of adult development and learned that our twenties are for experimenting, exploring different jobs, and discovering what fulfills us. My professor warned against graduate school, asserting, "You're not fully formed yet. You don't know if it's what you really want to do with your life because you haven't tried enough things." Oh, no, not me.." And if you rush into something you're unsure about, you might awake midlife with a crisis on your hands," he had lectured it. Hi. Try waking up a whole lot sooner with a pre-thirty predicament worm dangling from your early bird mouth.” -Stephanie Klein

Pupaphobia= the fear of puppets.

I had a dream last night that I received a Pygmy goat as a present.

"But paradise is locked and bolted....
We must make a journey around the world to see if a back door has perhaps been left open."

-Heinrich Von Kliest